No such thing as love

I've decided that there is no longer such a thing as true love in the world we live in. The only thing people care about is sex. A date is now considered a 'hook up'. How did things get so bad? One minute your dreaming about finding your one true love and the next your looking for a one night stand. I don't get it. All i've always wanted was to find a nice guy and fall in love. But I don't think that's possible. Guys tell me im cute or hot and they ask me out...but all they want is some ass. Well i'm done!!! Obviously i'm never gonna find love....at least not the pure kind. So what do I do? just give up? I'm never gonna be like the world, even though they are trying to pull me down to their level. I've come close many times, but I will never cross that line. I could never be happy living that life. I will always want someone to care about me, love me, and want me forever. I had a date set up friday with a guy from work. He said he'd call around seven so we could hang out...well he never called. The next day he called around noon...apologized...said he had to work late. So he said can we do something around four...I said sure. So I waited for him to call me back...and again he never called. What the hell!! Monday at work he told me he had to drive a car to nashville and didnt get home till late. ok, why couldnt you freakin pick up a phone and call!! Dumb ass! his loss...i'm kickin him to the curb...I dont need crap like that. So...I just have one more thing to say to ya'll...Fuck guys!!

Love stinks!

Wow, I can't believe I haven't written in a month!!! That's crazy! Well, a lot has happened. I'm no longer dating the chef cuz he turned out to be an ass hole. He sent me a text message while I was at work saying "I think we should just be friends cuz I don't think we are sexually compatable. Sorry if i've hurt you." Yeah, he's an ass. I guess all he cared about was sex and that wasn't what I cared about so he dumped me. I'm so glad I found out early before things got serious. Guys are such jerks!! I haven't dated one nice guy so far...and I really wish I could!!! I have met a few guys that seem nice online but of course they live way too far away. I think that guys now a day don't take the time to actually get to know your personality...they just look at you and decide if they'd sleep with you or not...then they want to date you. I hate it! I have been talking to this guy from colorado...named Brian. He seems really sweet, but of course he lives in colorado lol. But he's 25, going to college for phsycology and writing. he writes songs, plays guitar, he was born in tucson (which is where I lived for 15 yrs lol), and he's a little shy which I think is adorable. Errrr! Why can't he live closer!? I'm never gonna be happy!! I have this lesbian at work hitting on me every day lol So I told Sarah that if things keep going how they are going im gonna be an old fat broke single lesbian with a baby lol jk But seriously that's how I feel!! I can't trust any one and that sucks! Every guy just wants to sleep with you! I don't think there are any virgins out there except for maybe some mormons and catholics maybe...but seriously...they are hard to find. The world tells us we need sex to date, or tells us that is what dating is for. And it's not. I think that's one reason I was so unhappy in previous relationships. Sex means nothing to me unless i'm in love with the person. I will never like sex just to have fun! I just want to fall in love and have a fairy tale ending...but I am losing faith that that will ever happen. It makes me sad. Every guy tells me how cute and how sweet I am...is that the truth or is he just trying to sweet talk me into bed with him?? I don't get it! Oh well, I gotta get ready for work! Did I mention I waited all day yesterday for this guy to get online and talk to me cuz he said he would...but guess what!? he never got online! How gay is that??! I need to freakin get a life! Move to Alaska where there are no guys! Errrr! Love sucks butt!

Quick Morning Blog

So I went out again last night!! We went and saw Indiana Jones at the dollar theater! The movie was great and the company was even better ;) He put his arm around me and I cuddled up next to him best I could with an armrest in between us lol Before we went he said that he was gonna take a screw driver to take off the armrest lol I thought that was cute! He held my hand while we walked into the theater :) and I got a nice kiss before I left :) I had a great time! When I got home he text me and asked when we could do another movie night at his place lol I told him whenever he wants lol so he said "so your driving to my house right now?" lol he's adorable. Well I gotta go to work, then hopefully i'll get to hang out with the boy tonight ;) yay!! k gots to go! BYE!

Dear Kevin-

This is the hardest letter/blog i've ever written. If I don't write it i'm not going to be able to move on. I don't know if you'll ever read this or not but I just need to get my emotions out. Just like you, I have been doing a lot of thinking and pondering. Yesterday, I found letters from Chris that he wrote me from boot camp. I read a few of them, including the one that he proposed in. Besides making me cry, it really made me think. In every letter Chris swore to me that he loved me and would be with me forever and told me about how much he had changed. He even wrote me poems to express his feelings about me. One of the letters was written four years ago exactly to todays date. What do those mean to me now? Basically everything in them was a lie. Chris hadn't changed and he continued to hurt me over and over again. The words "I love you" and "forever" meant nothing. Thru out my other relationships I learned that people can't be trusted. They all say things that aren't true, they all hurt you. I've become very reserved and closed because of that. I can never trust what any one says. Until I met you. When I first started talking to you I kept thinking that i'd finally met a guy that was different from the rest. We have so much in common, you are funny, smart, sweet, and sincere. I thought for once I could finally trust someone. I opened myself up to you...which is something I haven't done in years. I felt safe. I gave you my whole heart. But I guess that's where I made the mistake...I shouldn't have done that so soon. You kept telling me things. You said you loved me. I couldn't believe that you could love someone you never even met but I went with it anyways. You told me that you wouldn't say 'i love you' if you didn't mean it. So I believed you. I should of listened to my own heart though because we just moved too fast. I think we both were just desperate to find someone that when we found eachother we just got way too excited. You told me once that I wasnt just 'someone to love' but that's exactly what I am. I just came at the right time I guess. Remember the email you sent me...you told me that you wanted to grow old with me and hold me till the end. I know you don't feel that way any more...and maybe you never felt that way. It just kills me that you told me all these things and then basically were like oh just kidding. I'm not upset with you in any way cuz lets face it we need to get with reality. We both just made the mistake of moving too fast and fooling ourselves into believing what was said was true. I still care about you a lot and i'm glad your in my life. You have changed my life in many ways...good and bad. I just think that we should remain friends, forever. I don't want to but I think that's the only way I can move on. I still want to meet you and I think it would be easier knowing that nothing will happen between us if we are just friends. Since I wont be expecting anything then I wont get hurt and the same for you. Maybe this is how your already thinking. If we meet and you decide that you want to be more than friends then you have to make the move. I'm always the one to chase the other person and i'm not doing that any more. You can't make someone want you so why try. All I can do is be myself and hope that things work out. It's sad that it took me four years to figure that out. I have a lot of growing up to do, i'm not perfect but i'm working on it. I might be a drama queen sometimes and over react but I think i'm a good person. I have lots of friends, they might not live in the same state as me but they are out there. I don't know what I want outta life and I don't think you know either. We are still really young and have our whole lives ahead of us. Just keep doing what you think is right and you will succeed Kevin. You are so talented and smart and I know you will accomplish many amazing things in your life time. Now I just need to take my own advice lol Kevin, thank you for changing my life...you really saved me and got me back on the right track and I am so greatful. I think that's about all I needed to say. I hope we can at least remain close friends forever.
love always,
Jessica

Early Morning Blog...

You know what song I totally love right now?! "Over it!" by Kathrine Mcphee!! It describes me perfectly! I downloaded it and have to listened to it a billion times! It's a good song. So yesterday was a bad day. I wasn't feeling very well. First of all, I was very sick! I had to work yesterday and I could barely stand cuz I was in so much pain! Then I got home and just felt horrible. Then I found somethings that I wish I hadn't found and it changed my perspective of someone. Maybe i'm just over thinking things or i'm just stupid. But i'm not dealing with this crap any more. I talked to Landi yesterday and she really helped me. She told me to just start over. Don't worry about other people. Just try my best and hate the person if I have to in order to get over it. I try to hate him, but I just can't. I don't know why. I wish I could hate him...it would make things so much easier.
I also talked to Sarah and she helped me too! I love her!! She is the best! Right now I only have three friends that I can trust and count on...Sarah, Landi, and Mindy. I know I have other great friends, but i'm closest to these people right now. I know I need to change something asap but I don't know how to do it. It's hard to even have the will to live when your stuck in a place you hate and your all alone. Basically music and the internet are my life...and that totally sucks! What kind of life is that!? I guess i'm just the dumb one cuz I choose to move to this stupid place!!!! I should of moved to Utah when I had the chance. Oh well! I wish Heavenly Father would give me some kind of clue of what he wants from me...I keep praying and praying and still I get no answer. I've even been reading my scriptures almost every day. I dunno. Maybe i'm just a lost cause. I'm a screw up. If it tells you anything, my family was in town a few days ago taking my brother to a doctor appointment, and they didnt bother to tell me or even come see me! Now that just hurts my feelings...but my family has always been like that. They are too lazy to even come visit me. I'm not worth it I guess. Pretty soon i'm just gonna turn into this total bitch thats rude to every one cuz i'm tired of being treated this way. Once I have the money I am so outta this piece of shit place!!!!!!!!!! See, i'm already turning into a total bitch lol Okay, well I gotta get ready for work. bye friends

So over it....

There comes a point where you have to decide if it's worth it. I've come to that point. And i've come to the conclusion that, no, it's not worth it! Is there something wrong with me?! Am I one of those crazy girls that guys like to use then ditch?! I really don't get it. But, guess what?, I don't care any more. I'm over it! I'm not playing games any more. It's so not worth it. I feel like i'm living in a world where every one is playing a joke on me. They pretend to be my friend, they pretend to love me, then when I get close they say 'haha, just kidding!" Well guess what, it's my turn to get even. I'm ditching you!!! So you can be the one standing there looking dumb! And the one wishing you would of done something different so i'd still be there. I'm a good person and I have a lot to offer in a friendship or relationship or whatever. So it's your loss!! I hope I hurt you, I hope you regret losing me for the rest of your life. I'm done being hurt. I hate you and I hope we never speak or see each other again! I'm so over it!! Goodbye!!!

I'm tryin, tryin to walk away but I know this crush ain't goin away!!

Wow, can't believe it's already friday! Craziness! I'm gonna go to work in a little bit for some over time and i'm also working tomorrow :( Blah! Oh well!!!!!! I wanted to try and write a blog every day but I went to Athen's for a few days and it messed me up lol Not much has been going on. Just been working. Yesterday we had a tour at my work so we had to dress up. Everyone was saying how cute I was lol And this guy I think was hitting on me lol He's a big black guy...kinda reminds me of a pimp lol He's a way sweet guy!! He was talkin to me, and as I walked away he said "Jessica!! Your lookin' GOOD today!" LOL :) And he winked at me! It made me laugh! Then later in the day I saw him and he kept saying my name over and over and he told me that he loves saying my name! lol its funny! At least i have someone to flirt with hahaha jk I'm sitting here listening to the best radio morning show ever...Arizona's Morning Show Johnjay And Rich! They are awesome! :D I usually don't get to listen to them live cuz i'm at work so i'm excited to be able to listen online now!!!!!!!! If you haven't heard them before, you need to look them up online and podcast them!! DO IT!
Anywho...hmmmm....what else is going on? I don't really know what to say right now...hmmmm...I've been reading my scriptures every day!! I'm proud of myself!
So Kevin and I have been talking a bit more but not as much as before. I think things are still kinda ackward. I don't understand why but oh well. I try to talk to him and it's just weird. So like I said before...if he wants to talk to me then he has to make an effort. I'm not having a one-sided friendship. I've had guys do this same thing before...and i'm over it! That's all i'm gonna say about that. I am really anti-guy right now...still lol I just get pushed around and stepped all over by them and I hate it. And my heart is in pieces...I don't think I can trust any guy right now. So i'm just gonna have fun doin what I do, rollin like I roll...one day at a time. That's all for now...i'm going back to sleep for a while then to work! oh joy! bye for now.

ack, i'm tired!!

It's 5:15 on Sunday morning...I am so flippin tired!!! I stayed up late watching Sleepless In Seattle lol I still heart that movie! I wish my life could be like a fairy tale...but I don't think that's how real life works. I had a pretty good day yesterday. I went to work but no one was there!!! lol So i'm guessing they canceled the over time and didn't bother to call me! Rude! But oh well, I got to talk to my favorite cousin's Mindy and Chad all day yesterday lol. I also was on Second Life way toooooo long yesterday. I 'moved' in with this chick Lorna...She has a huge 'virtual' house!! I also bought a kit to make virtual dresses so i'm gonna open a store LOL If you don't know what Second Life is then your prolly wondering what the crap i'm talking about hehe...I will explain it more later or you can just check it out yourself. It's pretty awesome!! Anyways...I think Kevin and I are getting back to normal. We talked a little bit yesterday and today online. He's been real sick though and i'm worried about him. I hope he gets better soon!! Hmmmmm, i'm not sure what else to say....I hope today goes by fast :) I will be driving to Athen's right after work so idk if I'll be able to write a blog tomorrow or later. I'll try to though. Athen's is where my parents live if you didn't know lol Ok, well it's time to go to work :( I'm gonna try to have a good day!!! I'm not gonna let all this stress and drama bring me down any more...well at least...I'm gonna try not to let it lol Peace Out!! :)

First Blog! :)

Wow, my first blog post on here! I thought that since i'm gonna be writing a blog every day that maybe I should do it on here instead of myspace. I dont really have much to say right now since I already wrote a blog for the day on myspace but i'm gonna copy and past it here. This so exciting LOL jk Peace out!

I'm actually having a pretty good day. I had a kinda wild night last night haha...only two people know about it so SHHHHHHHHHH! lol It was fun though! Today I just caught up on sleep, cleaned up a bit, tried not to worry or even think about things. I was gonna drive to the temple, but I didnt realize how far away it is! :( I think i'm gonna try to go past it when I go to Athens this week end. You know what I realized today...i'm not always the problem. When things go wrong, I always blame myself and try to figure out what I could of done differently to change things. But for once, I am learning that I didnt do anything wrong! Other people have problems too. I always worry about what others think! From now on, i'm gonna try not to. Cuz there is really no point in it. All the little stuff that happens now isnt really gonna matter in the future right? I mean, the way way future, like when im dead lol Drama is stupid!!! I hate it! I try not to cause it but guess what?! I'm a girl! And so, i'm entitled to sometimes be a drama queen! That's just how girls are. I'm tired of trying to be someone to impress others. No more! I'm gonna work on perfecting myself and then when I feel good about myself i'm gonna go out and find me a man!! I don't want no boy...I want a mature man who knows what he wants. I might of already met him or might not of...idk..but when I meet him...i'll know it's right. One thing I know is NO MORE INTERNET GUYS!!! :D It never turns out well lol Hmmmmm what else to say....I think that's about it!! OH! I lost 20 lbs! yay me! It's a good thing except for the fact that its because i've been so depressed I havent been eating lol But i'm starting back at the gym on Monday and sticking to it! So by January I should be where I wanna be :) Then I can really catch me a man LOL I might even be able to find one on my trip to Florida hehe! hmmm, now that I think about it...there is this really hot guy in my ward and he served his mission in Arizona! lol haha he's way outta my league but nice to look at lol Okay, imma gonna go find something to do! :D bye friends!!