Quick Morning Blog

So I went out again last night!! We went and saw Indiana Jones at the dollar theater! The movie was great and the company was even better ;) He put his arm around me and I cuddled up next to him best I could with an armrest in between us lol Before we went he said that he was gonna take a screw driver to take off the armrest lol I thought that was cute! He held my hand while we walked into the theater :) and I got a nice kiss before I left :) I had a great time! When I got home he text me and asked when we could do another movie night at his place lol I told him whenever he wants lol so he said "so your driving to my house right now?" lol he's adorable. Well I gotta go to work, then hopefully i'll get to hang out with the boy tonight ;) yay!! k gots to go! BYE!

Dear Kevin-

This is the hardest letter/blog i've ever written. If I don't write it i'm not going to be able to move on. I don't know if you'll ever read this or not but I just need to get my emotions out. Just like you, I have been doing a lot of thinking and pondering. Yesterday, I found letters from Chris that he wrote me from boot camp. I read a few of them, including the one that he proposed in. Besides making me cry, it really made me think. In every letter Chris swore to me that he loved me and would be with me forever and told me about how much he had changed. He even wrote me poems to express his feelings about me. One of the letters was written four years ago exactly to todays date. What do those mean to me now? Basically everything in them was a lie. Chris hadn't changed and he continued to hurt me over and over again. The words "I love you" and "forever" meant nothing. Thru out my other relationships I learned that people can't be trusted. They all say things that aren't true, they all hurt you. I've become very reserved and closed because of that. I can never trust what any one says. Until I met you. When I first started talking to you I kept thinking that i'd finally met a guy that was different from the rest. We have so much in common, you are funny, smart, sweet, and sincere. I thought for once I could finally trust someone. I opened myself up to you...which is something I haven't done in years. I felt safe. I gave you my whole heart. But I guess that's where I made the mistake...I shouldn't have done that so soon. You kept telling me things. You said you loved me. I couldn't believe that you could love someone you never even met but I went with it anyways. You told me that you wouldn't say 'i love you' if you didn't mean it. So I believed you. I should of listened to my own heart though because we just moved too fast. I think we both were just desperate to find someone that when we found eachother we just got way too excited. You told me once that I wasnt just 'someone to love' but that's exactly what I am. I just came at the right time I guess. Remember the email you sent me...you told me that you wanted to grow old with me and hold me till the end. I know you don't feel that way any more...and maybe you never felt that way. It just kills me that you told me all these things and then basically were like oh just kidding. I'm not upset with you in any way cuz lets face it we need to get with reality. We both just made the mistake of moving too fast and fooling ourselves into believing what was said was true. I still care about you a lot and i'm glad your in my life. You have changed my life in many ways...good and bad. I just think that we should remain friends, forever. I don't want to but I think that's the only way I can move on. I still want to meet you and I think it would be easier knowing that nothing will happen between us if we are just friends. Since I wont be expecting anything then I wont get hurt and the same for you. Maybe this is how your already thinking. If we meet and you decide that you want to be more than friends then you have to make the move. I'm always the one to chase the other person and i'm not doing that any more. You can't make someone want you so why try. All I can do is be myself and hope that things work out. It's sad that it took me four years to figure that out. I have a lot of growing up to do, i'm not perfect but i'm working on it. I might be a drama queen sometimes and over react but I think i'm a good person. I have lots of friends, they might not live in the same state as me but they are out there. I don't know what I want outta life and I don't think you know either. We are still really young and have our whole lives ahead of us. Just keep doing what you think is right and you will succeed Kevin. You are so talented and smart and I know you will accomplish many amazing things in your life time. Now I just need to take my own advice lol Kevin, thank you for changing my life...you really saved me and got me back on the right track and I am so greatful. I think that's about all I needed to say. I hope we can at least remain close friends forever.
love always,
Jessica

Early Morning Blog...

You know what song I totally love right now?! "Over it!" by Kathrine Mcphee!! It describes me perfectly! I downloaded it and have to listened to it a billion times! It's a good song. So yesterday was a bad day. I wasn't feeling very well. First of all, I was very sick! I had to work yesterday and I could barely stand cuz I was in so much pain! Then I got home and just felt horrible. Then I found somethings that I wish I hadn't found and it changed my perspective of someone. Maybe i'm just over thinking things or i'm just stupid. But i'm not dealing with this crap any more. I talked to Landi yesterday and she really helped me. She told me to just start over. Don't worry about other people. Just try my best and hate the person if I have to in order to get over it. I try to hate him, but I just can't. I don't know why. I wish I could hate him...it would make things so much easier.
I also talked to Sarah and she helped me too! I love her!! She is the best! Right now I only have three friends that I can trust and count on...Sarah, Landi, and Mindy. I know I have other great friends, but i'm closest to these people right now. I know I need to change something asap but I don't know how to do it. It's hard to even have the will to live when your stuck in a place you hate and your all alone. Basically music and the internet are my life...and that totally sucks! What kind of life is that!? I guess i'm just the dumb one cuz I choose to move to this stupid place!!!! I should of moved to Utah when I had the chance. Oh well! I wish Heavenly Father would give me some kind of clue of what he wants from me...I keep praying and praying and still I get no answer. I've even been reading my scriptures almost every day. I dunno. Maybe i'm just a lost cause. I'm a screw up. If it tells you anything, my family was in town a few days ago taking my brother to a doctor appointment, and they didnt bother to tell me or even come see me! Now that just hurts my feelings...but my family has always been like that. They are too lazy to even come visit me. I'm not worth it I guess. Pretty soon i'm just gonna turn into this total bitch thats rude to every one cuz i'm tired of being treated this way. Once I have the money I am so outta this piece of shit place!!!!!!!!!! See, i'm already turning into a total bitch lol Okay, well I gotta get ready for work. bye friends

So over it....

There comes a point where you have to decide if it's worth it. I've come to that point. And i've come to the conclusion that, no, it's not worth it! Is there something wrong with me?! Am I one of those crazy girls that guys like to use then ditch?! I really don't get it. But, guess what?, I don't care any more. I'm over it! I'm not playing games any more. It's so not worth it. I feel like i'm living in a world where every one is playing a joke on me. They pretend to be my friend, they pretend to love me, then when I get close they say 'haha, just kidding!" Well guess what, it's my turn to get even. I'm ditching you!!! So you can be the one standing there looking dumb! And the one wishing you would of done something different so i'd still be there. I'm a good person and I have a lot to offer in a friendship or relationship or whatever. So it's your loss!! I hope I hurt you, I hope you regret losing me for the rest of your life. I'm done being hurt. I hate you and I hope we never speak or see each other again! I'm so over it!! Goodbye!!!

I'm tryin, tryin to walk away but I know this crush ain't goin away!!

Wow, can't believe it's already friday! Craziness! I'm gonna go to work in a little bit for some over time and i'm also working tomorrow :( Blah! Oh well!!!!!! I wanted to try and write a blog every day but I went to Athen's for a few days and it messed me up lol Not much has been going on. Just been working. Yesterday we had a tour at my work so we had to dress up. Everyone was saying how cute I was lol And this guy I think was hitting on me lol He's a big black guy...kinda reminds me of a pimp lol He's a way sweet guy!! He was talkin to me, and as I walked away he said "Jessica!! Your lookin' GOOD today!" LOL :) And he winked at me! It made me laugh! Then later in the day I saw him and he kept saying my name over and over and he told me that he loves saying my name! lol its funny! At least i have someone to flirt with hahaha jk I'm sitting here listening to the best radio morning show ever...Arizona's Morning Show Johnjay And Rich! They are awesome! :D I usually don't get to listen to them live cuz i'm at work so i'm excited to be able to listen online now!!!!!!!! If you haven't heard them before, you need to look them up online and podcast them!! DO IT!
Anywho...hmmmm....what else is going on? I don't really know what to say right now...hmmmm...I've been reading my scriptures every day!! I'm proud of myself!
So Kevin and I have been talking a bit more but not as much as before. I think things are still kinda ackward. I don't understand why but oh well. I try to talk to him and it's just weird. So like I said before...if he wants to talk to me then he has to make an effort. I'm not having a one-sided friendship. I've had guys do this same thing before...and i'm over it! That's all i'm gonna say about that. I am really anti-guy right now...still lol I just get pushed around and stepped all over by them and I hate it. And my heart is in pieces...I don't think I can trust any guy right now. So i'm just gonna have fun doin what I do, rollin like I roll...one day at a time. That's all for now...i'm going back to sleep for a while then to work! oh joy! bye for now.