Saturday, September 13, 2008

Dear Kevin-

This is the hardest letter/blog i've ever written. If I don't write it i'm not going to be able to move on. I don't know if you'll ever read this or not but I just need to get my emotions out. Just like you, I have been doing a lot of thinking and pondering. Yesterday, I found letters from Chris that he wrote me from boot camp. I read a few of them, including the one that he proposed in. Besides making me cry, it really made me think. In every letter Chris swore to me that he loved me and would be with me forever and told me about how much he had changed. He even wrote me poems to express his feelings about me. One of the letters was written four years ago exactly to todays date. What do those mean to me now? Basically everything in them was a lie. Chris hadn't changed and he continued to hurt me over and over again. The words "I love you" and "forever" meant nothing. Thru out my other relationships I learned that people can't be trusted. They all say things that aren't true, they all hurt you. I've become very reserved and closed because of that. I can never trust what any one says. Until I met you. When I first started talking to you I kept thinking that i'd finally met a guy that was different from the rest. We have so much in common, you are funny, smart, sweet, and sincere. I thought for once I could finally trust someone. I opened myself up to you...which is something I haven't done in years. I felt safe. I gave you my whole heart. But I guess that's where I made the mistake...I shouldn't have done that so soon. You kept telling me things. You said you loved me. I couldn't believe that you could love someone you never even met but I went with it anyways. You told me that you wouldn't say 'i love you' if you didn't mean it. So I believed you. I should of listened to my own heart though because we just moved too fast. I think we both were just desperate to find someone that when we found eachother we just got way too excited. You told me once that I wasnt just 'someone to love' but that's exactly what I am. I just came at the right time I guess. Remember the email you sent told me that you wanted to grow old with me and hold me till the end. I know you don't feel that way any more...and maybe you never felt that way. It just kills me that you told me all these things and then basically were like oh just kidding. I'm not upset with you in any way cuz lets face it we need to get with reality. We both just made the mistake of moving too fast and fooling ourselves into believing what was said was true. I still care about you a lot and i'm glad your in my life. You have changed my life in many ways...good and bad. I just think that we should remain friends, forever. I don't want to but I think that's the only way I can move on. I still want to meet you and I think it would be easier knowing that nothing will happen between us if we are just friends. Since I wont be expecting anything then I wont get hurt and the same for you. Maybe this is how your already thinking. If we meet and you decide that you want to be more than friends then you have to make the move. I'm always the one to chase the other person and i'm not doing that any more. You can't make someone want you so why try. All I can do is be myself and hope that things work out. It's sad that it took me four years to figure that out. I have a lot of growing up to do, i'm not perfect but i'm working on it. I might be a drama queen sometimes and over react but I think i'm a good person. I have lots of friends, they might not live in the same state as me but they are out there. I don't know what I want outta life and I don't think you know either. We are still really young and have our whole lives ahead of us. Just keep doing what you think is right and you will succeed Kevin. You are so talented and smart and I know you will accomplish many amazing things in your life time. Now I just need to take my own advice lol Kevin, thank you for changing my really saved me and got me back on the right track and I am so greatful. I think that's about all I needed to say. I hope we can at least remain close friends forever.
love always,

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