Sunday, February 22, 2009

new beginning

Well, Brad moved into the apartment. I think i'm waking him up with all this typing. oh well lol just wanted to say...I think this is a good thing, a really good thing. I'm gonna get my life back on track with the help of a man who loves me. I'm nervous and excited. I want things to be perfect. I'll type more later. But I love him, I really do!!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

what is the right thing to do?

The past two months have been the best and maybe the worst months of my life. The best because I met the man of my dreams and I am certain he is the one!! We are perfect for each other...made for each other! He just keeps getting more and more wonderful! We both want the same things outta life and we want to start a life together. But the problem is my life is screwed up. I wish it wasn't because I want to be ready to get married. But i'm not. Dang it! Long story short, i've been having major fiancial troubles. I've been trying my hardest to figure things out on my own but it seems like every effort I make I take two steps backwards. Nothing works out and every time it doesnt I get more depressed. Having Brad is really the only happiness in my life right now. And I hate that! I constantly worry about everything. About not being able to pay bills, about disappointing my family or brad, being stuck at my crappy job forever, feeling alone, and anything else that happens to come up. I really can't take this much longer. I don't know what to do differently. I've tried finding another job...I guess i'm gonna have to buckle down and work fast food or something idk. I'm just so stressed and i'm surprised Brad is even sticking around with me because I am a mess!! I keep breaking down and crying over stupid stuff. And I try to talk to my parents but they never have time or don't want to deal with me. My dad thinks i'm ruining the family name. So whatever...i'm never gonna make them happy. Last night, I thought my internet was shut off cause I forgot to pay it or something. I freaked out. I even called my mom, which I never do cause usually talking to her makes things worse. But I just broke down crying telling her whats been going on. She didnt have much to say but she said to call my Dad. At least now they know exactly whats going on and its not a big secret. I think they already guessed but idk. Brad has been really great (as always). I came home sunday and he had bought me some groceries and a memory foam pillow. He really is a sweetheart! So, he's gonna move in with me soon. I haven't told my parents because I know they are gonna flip. It's not the ideal thing but I think it's the right thing for right now. I know they have the same fear I do, that things will go bad with Brad. But I really, honestly believe that Brad is different then past relationships. He is loving, caring, honest, trustworthy, and treats me like a man should. Things will work out! I hope that eventually I can go back to church. And I hope I can get my life back on track so Brad and I can start our own life together. i never want to lose him...he is every thing i've ever wanted and more. I can't even describe the connection I have to him. It's amazing!! Well, I gotta go to work but i'll write more later. Please send prayers my way because i'm gonna need them. Thanks!